I don't know how to start this post. The past week has basically been one of the craziest weeks of my life, having being thrust so drastically from graduate to a medical rep within the space of 2 days, which gave me no time to physically and mentally prepare for what was to come. 2 days after my interview I was driving my company car to and from work, actually wearing day time heels and feeling and acting very grown up all within the space of 5 days. It got to the point where I've been acting like such a confident, cool and social person, I've started to lose sense of what is natural to me and who i am. Sounds silly but i feel as though i am constantly playing a character: a cool, chatty and confident version of myself who is perfect for the job, always making conversation and always getting myself involved in mixing with the team. I'm constantly acting and pretending like i'm interested in everything everyone's saying, as they're 'grown ups' and I silly enough to say but i still don't class myself as one, and interacting with people 6yrs+ older than me everyday has left me feeling confused on whats expected of me and how i should be acting. Therefore all this pretending that i've grown up in 5 days has left me feeling as though i've aged an eternity in the space of a few days, and has left me feeling as though i have lost myself, and now i am the master of acting, i can just be whoever i want to be, but i don't know how to be me.
Amongst this madness, something terrible and local happened this week. My neighbour took her own life a few days ago, a beautiful, popular and incredibly fashionable girl my age who also attended my school. Someone who you would never expect, and who so many people admired for her stunning looks, dress sense and who always had me green with envy at her instagram photos as she was always somewhere amazing with the many friends she had. Even though we weren't friends and had only spoken a few times, the situation has completely shocked me that i will never see her walk past my house ever again, which she did nearly every day we were home from uni. I've also been unfortunate to see her family every day since her passing, and seeing the pain behind their eyes and the countless people bringing flowers to her house just breaks my heart.
The result of these things has left me feeling quite numb, and almost like i'm living some sort of surreal life and I'm not too sure how I will deal with this yet. That is why I'm not too sure how the blog posts will be going within the next few weeks. I still love fashion and photography and the mixture of the two, but for some reason, i feel quite uninspired by it all at the moment, like my blog is just a pointless drop in a huge ocean. It almost feels that compared to the bigger picture in life and what really matters, everything i blog about and enjoy is superficial and even a girl who i and so many others admired and even felt jealous of for the things she loved: fashion, beauty and travel, even she, who had the image of a perfect life, couldn't be saved as there were much bigger and important issues in life that were effecting her. It makes me question what really is important in life, as i always used to value beauty, friendships and also popularity which this girl had so much of and what i always kind of aspired to.
Therefore within the next few weeks i'm going to really take some time to reflect on what makes me happy and to live in the moment and try and really (sounds corny) discover myself. Hopefully only positive vibes coming on this blog very soon.